Snap Judgment: Carlos Boozer

Somebody is lying to us. Carlos Boozer is telling anyone, outside of Utah, who will listen that the Jazz say he no longer fits in their plans and they have “mutually agreed” to part ways via a trade. Kevin O’Connor says that no such conversation took place and they expect Boozer to live up to his contract. So who is telling the truth? My money is on Carlos as the liar. Ask Cleveland. Even if his wink, wink deal with the Cavs was technically illegal he still stabbed a benevolent blind guy in the back. I suppose the Jazz should have known that if you’re going to play with a snake you might get bit or, as they say in the Lower 48, if you’re going to play with an Alaskan, he might quit on you to pursue a bigger job while still in your employ.

What do the Jazz do from here? All indications are that they are actively pursuing a trade. Boozer’s expiring contract is valuable to teams looking to pick up cap room for the huge free agent class of next year. I propose that the Jazz hold on to that expiring contract. Remind him that HE CHOSE TO OPT-IN. He had every opportunity to leave. He can even see Chicago and Miami from his house. Punish him for his quasi adulterous flirtations with Chicago and Miami. Now, for the punishment: make him inactive for every single game next year. Destroy his value on the open market. Teams want to see what kind of season he can have if he’s healthy. Don’t give him that opportunity. Show them what they’d really be getting if they sign him: a tall, bald guy in an expensive suit to sit behind the bench for every game. That’s exactly what he’s given the Jazz.

5 Steps to Living Out Your Childhood Fantasies through Non-competitive Slowpitch Softball

Whether it be dreams of jumping through the Mushroom Kingdom, breaking bricks and taking names to save the princess, or crane-kicking in the face of a schoolyard bully, or hitting a game-winning grand slam in the bottom of the ninth of the seventh game of the World Series with two outs and a full count, childhood fantasies find a way to fall by the wayside of the road to responsibility. However, by forgetting those dreams, we also forget the hope of our heroic potential. Well, that is until non-competitive slowpitch softball enters the picture. Through slowpitch softball we can all live out our unfulfilled fantasies. Here's how:

Step 1: Take your juvenile dreams for what they are: serious goals.
The biggest mistake you can make in preparation for your heroic triumph is treating your bottom-of-the-ninth reverie as child's play. You had those daydreams for a reason, to provide a well thought out map of your life. People will say that you are taking your rec league softball team, Hell's Balls, too seriously. Those people are wrong. In fact, a lot of people are wrong about you. Don't listen to those people.
Stop going to anger management ("court-mandated" is nothing more than a lilly-white liberal buzzword). Flush the anti-psychotics. Psychotic is just another word for competitive. Reduce your work hours. Eliminate anything that stands between you and your childhood dreams, uh, sorry...goals.

(Sorry, wrong kind of train.)

Step 2: Train.
Remember the number one rule of slowpitch softball training: it's not how much you can bench, it's how much you say you can bench. You can bench 315. Adding muscle mass is nearly equivalent to adding what I call "simple mass." Simple mass differs from muscle mass only in that it requires little to no actual physical exertion and in that it comes with as many buffalo wings as you can eat (a lot).
Also, the best training facilities are the ones that not only house batting cages but also water slides and a corn dog vendor.

Step 3: Pay to win.
If you are unwilling to invest in your youthful fantasies/goals, step away now. If you expect the best, you will have to pay for the best. If that means $500 on an Easton Ballcrusher bat with the lastest Tritium 3 Ultraflex hitting technology or $300 on matching custom uniforms then so be it. Just like you have to spend money to make money, in slowpitch you have to spend money to win a $7 t-shirt and a dime store trophy.

Step 4: Pinstripes.
Pinstripes are the straightest path to goal fulfillment. And this is about simple solutions, not hard-earned life affirming moments. Haven't all the greatest teams worn pinstripes? The Yankees, the Phillies, the Cubs (forget that one actually), all wear pinstripes. Then so does Hell's Balls.

Step 5: Team manager's are like softball life coaches.
Do you know where you're going in life? Do you have any idea how you can achieve true happiness and fulfillment? No, that's why you have a life coach. You like how your life coach has the same level of education as you. That's why they're qualified to coach your life, because they are like you. The same goes in slowpitch softball.
You don't really know what comes after first base, or how many outs are in the first inning. You need a manager, call him a "game coach," the fat guy who works in your plant who blew out his knee so he can't play is always available. Who else besides a manager will be able to provide such in-game inspirational gems as "Way to watch it," or "Make him pitch to you," or "Be a hitter?" He will guide you through thrice weekly practices on how to achieve supreme softball sublimity. Listen to him. Oh, and maybe get a hitting coach too.

You are now ready to live out what your five-year-old self always dreamed you could do. After years of hating yourself for lack of focus and a growing paunch, you can now see yourself for what you are: a portly, mean fighting machine.
Now go show Scared Hitless that the only mercy in slowpitch is the mercy rule.