Ask Doctor Differ

(We at The Differ would like to introduce our new contributor, Dr. Differ, PhD. He received a Doctorate in Expertise from South Princeton University in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. He prides himself in knowing more than everyone else, so we've asked him to counsel some troubled readers of The Differ.)

Dear Esteemed Doctor Differ,

We are worried. We have worked hard for decades to build a club of power and tradition, and now that is threatened. More and more, "the powers that be" are forcing us to let new money into our precious club. We, in places like Ann Arbor, South Bend and Tuscaloosa have fought against the tyranny of parity. Yet, these Lilliputian losers are intent on ruining a good thing.

We have graciously allowed these less fortunate ones to park our cars, wash our dishes, check our coats, and look us in the eyes, only to be spit in the face. How can we be respected if we let these pip-squeek upstarts into our club? Many (we'll just call the worst offenders, the Mormons, the Red Mormons, the Blue Turfs, the Horny Frogs, the Castro Street Warriors and Fresno State) knock our doors at all hours of the day, expecting us to answer.

To further display our graceful nature, we have recently gone against tradition and allowed some of them into our soirees, if they met some reasonable demands. This only led to calls for our club to be torn down. Never! This just goes to show you that if you give a dog a bone, he will hump our leg until you give him another. What can we do to get them away from our club? Build and electric fence? Ignore them? Please Dr. Differ, help us.

Traditionally yours,
The Bastions of College Football
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Bastards,

This reminds the Dr. of the time his beloved English Bulldog, Sir Thomas More, peed on his Ottoman. (This was not a footstool but a life-size statue of a medieval Turkish conqueror.) To punish this urination, the Dr. used the only civilized form of canine punishment, humiliation. The doc dressed Sir Tom in a tutu and a Clippers jersey and paraded him up and down the aisles of the local Pets-R-Smart store. Tail between his legs, he learned his lesson.

The only way to stop these upstarts from peeing all over your tradition is through humiliation. However, you have a conundrum. You can't simply grab the intruders by their hind legs and slide a frilly tutu over their hips; you must convince them to do it themselves. You will have to allow a few of them into your club for a few hours, but trust the Dr., it will be worth it. And best of all, they will think that is was worth it for them also.

These upstarts need to think ridiculous acts must be performed for entrance into exclusivity. Even though the most ridiculous thing any of you did to get into the club was being born to parents named Thurston and Kitty, it is crucial the outsiders believe that the ridiculousness is necessary.

Invite a handful of wanna-be members to the "presentation ceremony" on your front lawn (that way they feel good about getting through the front gates, but they can't actually stink up the clubhouse). Let them know that only one membership is available, so they must compete for it. Concoct with your cronies a few "events," making sure that there will be a lot of spectators for the outsiders' humiliation. These events could include naked freeway unicycle races, trekkie fashion shows at a renaissance faire, being seen at a Raiders game; really whatever your twisted minds can invent. Just remember to have fun.

You will have to choose a winner and allow him to come to a party at the clubhouse, but if you look at the big picture, that one night will be worth it. Besides, he'll probably get smashed and end up head first in the courtyard fountain anyway.

Advisingly,


Doctor Differ

(Questions for Doctor Differ can be sent to doctordiffer@gmail.com. If it is good enough, he may respond on this blog.)

Beg the New Fast Automatic F-REEK (or, how to waste two hours at work)

(Like most of the Beg the Differs, this does not approach a debate. In fact, we are not really sure what to call it. This is only barely sports-related. Still, you'll be happy to know that we avoided all of our Frequently Despised Sports Terms. The deep question invoked in this tome is "What is my Wu-Tang name?")

me: My Wu Tang name is Bilious Bad Janitah.

Yours is 100-Watt Warlock.

Corban: How do you find these out?

me: A Wu Name Generator.

Coulter's is Ol` Mucky Terrahawk.

Zach's is Spunky Misunderstood Genius.

Shad's is Half-Cut Skeleton.

me:

My boss's is Flailing Fanatical Killer.
I think I'll keep that one to myself.

me:

Grandma Gibson is Big Wicker Ventriloquist.

me:

Your wife's is Homicidal Terrahawk.

I would keep that one between us also.

Your youngest daughter's is Temporary Spastic.

Corban: Very appropriate.

me: Nino's is Superintendent God-Botherer.

If I put my middle name as my second name instead of my last name mine is actually Gorky`s Zygotic Glove Puppet.

If I do the same for Zach, he's Ol` Filthy, Sweaty Bastard.

The same for you, Bastard, BASTARD HarbourMastah.

The same for Shad is, I'm not making any of this up, Big Gay Mule.

Eli is Womanly Panther.

Corban: I'm in tears.

We could make an article of this by putting in athlete's names.

Put in Obama, Biden, McCain and Palin.

me: Palin is Erratic Assassin.

Oddly enough McCain is the same.

Obama is Ultra-Chronic Monstah.

Joe Biden is Ungrateful Ninja.

Corban: Moe Szylak.

me: Cybernetic Tiger.

Perhaps I should keep this one from you, but John Elway's is Asthmatic Enemy of God.

Corban: You're a lying bastard.

me: No, that's Bill Romanowski.

Dick Cheney is
Top-Heavy Hookjaw.

me: You have the same WuName as Fuquan Abduljahari.

Corban: Who's that?

me: I don't know, I just made it up.

If I only put in your first name you are Tha Roly-Poly.

Corban: That could be my gladiator name.

me: If I only put in Zach's first name he is Bigoted.

But as Zachariah he is suddenly Drug-Addled.

Josh alone is Machiavellian.

The Differ is New Fast Automatic F-REEK.

Corban: You should put that on the banner.

me: Absotively.

This will go on as a completely unnecessary Beg the Differ Short to introduce the new (and likely very temporary) subtitle for the Blog.

A.J. Pace's is Chocolatey Shatner.

My fantasy team's is Action-Packed Mentallist.

Corban: You must not have much work to do today.

What's Ron Artest?

me: Tell that to all of the people calling.

Lazy-Assed Destroyer.

Sorry, that was Ol' Dirty Bastard's.

Ron Artest's is Tha 23rd Buchan

Corban: lame. TO?

me: Dubious Masturbatah-X

Corban: That's awesome.

Pacman Jones?

me: Chad Johnson's is Cheeky Delinquent.
But, change Johnson to Ocho Cinco and he's Alarmingly-Named Wolfman.

Pacman Jones- Dizzy Cow.

Wow, John Stockton's is Tha Visible Choirboy.

While, oddly, Jeff Hornacek is Gratuitous F-REEK.

Jay Cutler is My Cousin the Wife-Beatah.

Deion Sanders is Inscrutable Drama Queen.

Michael Irvin is Greasy Choirboy (I guess that's the Bizarro-Stockton).

Michael Jordan is Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin.

So, extremely effeminate ninja.

Corban: Karl Malone?

me: Excitable Misunderstood Genius.

Somehow Andrei Kirilenko is Illegitimate Muslim Fundamentalist.

Matt Harpring wins, his is Officer Stinkah.

Correction, Ronnie Brewer wins, his is Violent Toilet Thing.

Beg the Differ: The Great Hair Products Debate

Corban: Zach just called me a jerl. Do you know what a jerl is?
me: A guy who drinks way too much jheri curl.
Corban: Is there an amount of jheri curl that wouldn't be too much to drink?
I would think that you can't drink any amount of jheri curl and be ok.
me: I guess you're right.
Little known fact, Walter Payton had his blood replaced by Jheri Curl in the mid-1970's.
Corban: Is that what made him "Sweetness?"
me: Yes, Jheri Curl introduced high fructose corn syrup.
Corban: So you're saying that the jheri curl industry is really in the pocket of the corn lobby?
me: Try the other way around.
Corban: Ahhh...I smell a very sugary Oliver Stone conspiracy movie in the works.
me: It's called Jheri Crack Corn.
Corban: I like it.
I see Wesley Snipes as the creator of jheri curl who gets caught up in the high stakes world of specialty beauty products.
I hope he's available.
me: He's is, but he needs to be paid under the table.
In cash.
Is it ironic that the maker of Jheri Curl now primarily sells a chemical hair straightener?
Corban: Not really. Wouldn't they just have to reverse the formula?
me: But that would render it undrinkable.
Corban: Not necessarily. You'd be surprised what you can drink.
me: See, I guess that's where we differ. I never let that word, can, hold me down.
Corban: Maybe you should let that word hold you back a little.

me: Does fantasy football make you more or less interested in regular NFL games?
Corban: Far more interested. Before I would watch Broncos games (Go Broncos) and pretty much ignore the rest of the league. Now I find myself monitoring pretty much every game because I've got players involved or my opponent for the week does.
me: Before fantasy football, I only cared about football teams (mainly loving the Bears and hating the Raiders and the Vikings and the Packers). Now, except for the Bears, I only care about individual players. Overall, my interest in the league is higher now, but I generally couldn't care less who wins what.

me: How many references to The Hills in a sports column does it take before you lose all credibility as a writer?
I like Simmons as much as the next guy, but we need to have an intervention.
Corban: What's the Hills?
me: A crappy MTV reality show about self-absorbed, vacuous California teens.
Corban: Is that the one that seems like it's actually scripted?
me: I don't know, I don't watch it. But it wouldn't surprise me. I don't think that any of those kids can actually speak coherently by themselves.
Corban: I think that most reality show are basically crap. I do like some of the competition shows however. Wipeout is awesome.
Corban: Sorry I've been quiet. I took the Browns to the Super Bowl.
me: Well, wouldn't Art Modell be proud.
Corban: I think he lost all straight males when he wrote an entire paragraph about characters from the Hills.
me: Yeah, you're probably right.
I understand having a guilty pleasure. But it should remain hidden. You don't want anybody outside of yourself who knows that you like The Hills or 90210, whether you're male or female.

Beg the Differ Shorts

These are stunted debates and conversations between yours truly and the Corbster. The reasons for not finishing vary from Gmail outages to brain outages, but regardless we will post them. Why? Because we can.

"I've tried to find it here in the states, but they just can't get the spices right"-
Corban:

Check this out: McCain immediately shot back that the surge in Iraq had worked. He said he knows "how to win wars." Like Vietnam? Who won that one? It must have been John McCain.

me: He won it from the inside.

Corban: Is he a veteran of Grenada?

5 minutes

me: Did they have POW's in Grenada?

That would've been awesome for him if they did.
Robots are Dangerous-

me: In case you wanted to know, www.thediffer.com now also redirects to the blog. So, at least things are now simpler.

Corban: ok

Now we just need some traffic.

me: Yep, but now it will be easy to tell people where to go.

Corban: I'm already trying to get people there.

It might be better if I ever decide to post something.

I'm like Bill Simmons. One post every two or so weeks.

I just skipped the part where I posted 20,000 word articles before resting on my laurels.

me: Also, you skipped the part where you have thousands of loyal readers willing to wait weeks.

I just posted a poll asking who won the first "Beg the Differ."

42 minutes

me: Okay, I also added two new terms to FDST, length and upside.

Corban: I was able to look at the sit at someone else's computer.

He voted for the Cheeteagle

me: Damn him.

Corban: How are we expected to compete against a Cheeteagle?

me: I don't make the rules.

Unholy animal hybrids do.

Are you going to argue with a cat of prey?

I'm pretty sure the cheeteagle has time-travel capabilities.

I think I'm going to name the cheeteagle Stella.

You know, "Stella! Stella!"

Corban: STEEEELLLLLAAAA!!!

me: Yup.

Corban: I prefer Madge.

me: Madge?

We just got our first comment. Was it you?

Corban: Nope. I don't have access.

me: Bastard.

Corban: Can you see the blog at your work?

me: Yeah.

I'm just blocked from streaming video and porn.

Not that I've missed either.

Also, if you want me to post anything for you while we're at work, you just have to give me your log-in info. That way you can get a byline on there.

Corban: Ok

Was it one of the brothers who commented?

me: Whoever posted has themselves listed as a female in their profile.

It could be a spambot.

Corban: What does the comment say?

me: "Very good..."

I might reply, "very insightful." But it's probably best to not antagonize this early, even if it is a robot.

The Oden Paradox-

Corban: The Jazz just matched OKC's offer for Miles

Do you think they are only picking him up to turn around and trade him?

5 minutes

me: I heard they were planning on doing a Kevin Durant for C.J. swap.

Although, I might have heard that in a dream.

Yup. . . it was a dream.

Corban: But CJ has so much length and upside.

me: But, honestly I don't know who the Jazz could get for an unproven prospect with buckets of athleticism (that's the other term I want to put up).

Corban: Greg Oden.

CJ has better career numbers than him in every statistical category.

And the salaries match.

me: Then on paper, that looks like a fantastic deal for both sides.

Oden could teach the youngsters on the Jazz a thing or two about how the game used to be played.

Corban: We would actually get older by getting younger.

me: I know. But that sounds like some sort of universe-ending paradox. So, maybe Oden wouldn't be a great idea.

Brett Favre is not a Horse-

me: Are you going to post your article today?

25 minutes

Corban: I've been trying to post it from work but it's not working so I'll have to do it tonight.

me: Okay.

Corban: We could do a beg the differ about Brett Favre.

Unless you think it's like beating a dead horse.

me: I would hardly call Favre a horse.

Corban: We could do it about why we should or shouldn't care about the whole riggamarole.

me: Or: Favre, Douche or Great American Hero?

Corban: Yeah, something along those lines.

We may want to come up with something other than douche, however.

me: I know, I hate that word. But, I keep using it!

How about vagina cleaner?

Corban: Uh.....

me: What? Are you judging me?

Corban: No, but Jesus is.

me: How did a useful tool for slutty women become a term for jackasses?

Corban: Anyway...

me: I think that anyone who sells Wrangler jeans is a Great American Hero.

Says me as I watch Junior race around the track while listening to George Strait.

Corban: Doesn't Favre

endorse Wrangler

?

me: That's right.

Corban: So he is a Great American Hero?

I'm going to make questions by adding question marks at the end of statements?

me: Yes, he's a Great American Hero (Great American Hero is a trademark of Wrangler Jeans).

He embodies the cliched American spirit. Last year he had a stellar year, leading his team further than anyone could have predicted. He was expected to be D.O.A. last year, but turned in one of his best years. That's America.

Corban: What about the part where he ended his team's season with the worst possible throw at the worst possible time. I mean it looked like he through it right to the Giants.

It's almost as if he forgot what color his team was wearing.

me: See, here's where I think we are confusing what a Great American Hero is. 50 years ago one had to be a flawless vision of patriotism and selfless bravery, at least publicly. Now, as evidenced by the superheroes that are finding success in the boxoffice, we appreciate a person that is bold and brave, but imperfect. Anyone that is portrayed as perfect is derided and doubted in our increasingly cynical world. Favre fits that. He is not perfect but he at times performs at superhuman levels.

Favre is not the perfect football player, just the Great American Hero.

Your Girlfriend is A Lesbian-

me: Sorry, I just realized I missed a call from you last night. I left my phone in the car.

And my supersonic hearing has yet to kick in.

The doctors said that it could take 4- 6 weeks after the surgery.

Corban: It's ok.

I just wanted to know if we had found someone to take over for Casey in Fantasy Football.

I also wanted to see if you wanted to go golfing but I don't know if I can go now.

me: We don't have a replacement yet for Casey. Did you have someone in mind?

10 minutes

Corban: Not really but I bet I can find someone.

me: So, I've got a temporary banner for the website that I'll put up today.

It's not great, but it will look better than the plain Jane banner we have now.

Corban: Unrelated question: Am I a lesbian if I like Sarah McLachlan?

me: No, but your girlfriend is.

And that sounds like something you should be telling your mental-health professional, not me.

Cantonese is Angry Mandarin- me: So, did you hear what Boozer's Chinese nickname is?

Corban: Nope.

me: It's Fan Gu Zai, which translates to, no joke, Betrayal Skull Dude.

Corban: Where did you read that?

me: The Cleveland Plain Dealer, through Deadspin.

Supposedly it has something to do with his misshapen head, not his misshapen moral compass.

Corban: What is Mandarin for "I talk big about how defense is important but I still let China's back up point guard waltz through the lane without so much as taking a step in his path much less attempt to get in front of him and try to block his shot?"

Whatever the translation is for that I'd like to make that his nickname in Mandarin.

Cantonese would be fine as well.

me: I don't know the Mandarin words, but I know that their loose translation is "Man who does not make stop on enemy's fiery dart of balled-basket threat."

Corban: Is that Mandarin or Cantonese?

me: Mandarin

Cantonese is the same, just angrier.

My Dad's the Coach- me: Why are fantasy sports so popular?

Corban: It makes us feel like professional athletes.

me: No, I don't think that is really it. For most of us.

Corban: It makes us feel like GMs?

me: I think that's closer.

Maybe it corresponds to the sports radio phenomena. That every schmo thinks that he has the ability to manage a franchise.

Corban: Are you calling me a schmo?

me: You are if you call in.

Uh, yeah, DJ, I really have to wonder if Sloan even knows what he is doing, why would you keep Boozer in when he is obviously outmatched by Carl Landry? I think that the Jazz should switch to a man-to-man 3-4 defense and rotate the center off the opening block to really help pound it out down low.

Corban: I heard that call the other day.

me: I know. What's worse is that it was Scott Layden.

There was also something about Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley that I couldn't make out.

Corban: Umm...my dad used to be the coach here and I'm through ruining one of the premier franchises in the league...can I get a job? I'll take anything, I'll even be the guy who charts shots.

Pantheon of Sport: Falling with Style

It's time to examine another Olympic event for inclusion in the Pantheon of Sport: diving. Let's begin with the athleticism required for diving. Just looking at the sculpted physiques of Olympic divers is evidence of their strength. Who doesn't love women in bathing suits and/or memn in Speedos? They have balance and body control in heaps. So far, so good. Diving is looking like a strong candidate for membership in the upper reaches of the Pantheon.

Alas, there is one criterion that diving falls (pun intended) short in: scoring. Scoring is completely subjective, sometimes embarrassingly so. I decided to do some research before making my arguments about diving and caught some of the synchronized (giggling) diving competition. One American pair completed what seemed to be a perfectly synchronized (giggling) dive. The dive was graceful and artistic. One would assume that a panel of experts would all rate the dive in small range of scores. One would be mistaken. Scores for this particular dive ranged from 7.5 to 9.5. I openly confess to my ignorance of judging dives but when there is a discrepency that large from judges who are experts it makes you wonder what the thought process is. "That was a pretty good dive but it looks like his Speedo is creeping a little bit. I think that I'll deduct half a point."

So, diving will not be included in the Pantheon of Sport but is classified from here on out and for all eternity (or until we change our minds, whichever comes first) as a (very) Athletic Performance.

Beg The Differ: Ethnic Cleansing Edition

Ed Note: First off, I apologize for needing to excuse our poor debating "skills." This is not a debate. This is a conversation between two people who should be more medicated. So, if you know a good mental health specialist, who treats schizophrenia, please pass along his or her information. Thank you and be careful.


Corban: Do we have enough players tonight?

me: I think so.

Corban: okAny ideas on who's catching?

me: Nope.

Corban: Do you know anything?

me: I know that it's harder than it looks to replace an eyeball.

Corban: (giggling)

You can't just pop it back in?

Suprising.

me: Do you know what is more surprising?

Corban: That I forgot how to spell surprising?

me: Nope, having your eye pop out.

Corban: It happens.

me: Let me tell you something. If someone tells you to close your mouth, pinch your nose and blow really hard, don't.

Corban: Sound advice.

I heard that if you don't close your eyes when you sneeze you can blow an eyeball out as well.

me: Strangely enough, that is actually where hernias come from.

Corban: There isn't a hernia gremlin that delivers them in the night to naughty kids?

Mom lied.

me: She never told me that one.

Oh yeah, it's because she liked me.

Corban: My mother-in-law used to tell her children that if they weren't good that gypsies would come and steal them.

And not the cool gypsies like in the Disney version of Pinocchio.

More like the evil gypsies from the Italian subways.

me: Is that a sandwich choice at Italian Subways? Evil gypsies?

Corban: Yeah, it's on their secret menu.

It's basically a Spicy Italian with Ex-Lax.

me: So, the sandwich lures you in with flash and spice, then steals your dignity?

12 minutes

Corban: If you really like the Gypsy @ Subway I suggest you also get two of the Immodium/white chocolate chip cookies.

You can get them in the meal deal.

5 minutes

me: That's one hell of a meal deal.

It's called the Ethnic Cleanser Meal.

Pantheon of Sport: Organized Limb Flailing

Ed note: The principal arguments of the Pantheon are not personal attacks on the competitors. These articles are really just an argument over semantics. We feel that the term “sport” has been bastardized and we hope to help refine it.

This is the first in what should be a multi-part series dissecting various Olympic events’ claims for inclusion in the Pantheon of Sport. We’ll start off with perhaps the easiest, synchronized swimming.

For the first few years of its existence, synchronized swimming was known as “water ballet.” While Baryshnikov is a prime specimen of power, grace, and agility, one would strain to define ballet as sport, right? If you were to put a ball in his hands I suspect that he would look a lot like that kid in junior high gym class who spent more time facing his computer screen than a backboard. (I know what that looks like because there exists evidence of my attempts at basketball.) So, how is it that a submerged artistic performance ever became known as a sport?

Okay, here’s a quick aside. It appears to be a stretch to think that many people, if anyone, actually considers synchronized swimming to be a sport. In fact, the IOC website only refers to the event as a sport once.

First, according to the rules set forth in the intro Pantheon article, “Scoring cannot be subjective.” Subjective scoring is the only form of scoring existent in this event. The judges not only award points based on difficulty of maneuvers or on the synchronicity of teammates, they also indirectly take into account costume and makeup. So, the more creative the costume (not uniform, costume) the more favorably the judges will score. When would that happen in any legitimate sport?

Second, the name doesn’t completely fit the performance. How can there be solo synchronized swimming? Is the performer synchronized with the voices in her head? It could be said that she is synchronized with the music, but that is hard to prove. So, not only do I propose this event’s exclusion from the Pantheon of Sport, I also propose a name change: Organized Limb Flailing.

Finally, when was dancing in unison considered a sport? If it were Iron Maiden would be considered legends in the sport.

I would go on about Organized Limb Flailing’s exclusion from the Pantheon, but I’m getting bored with this event. So the verdict is: Synchronized Swimming is NOT a sport. Take us out Sting:

Pantheon of Sport

We, here at the Differ (Differers, if you will), have noticed a disturbing trend of certain events being labeled sports, when clearly they are not. We don’t need to list these events in this posting, but we do propose an ever-evolving list of rules that would disqualify an event from being shown on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPNEWS, Fox Sports Net, the Big 12 Network or the MTN (mad props to the half a dozen people who know what the MTN is).

In the future we will examine sports individually to determine it’s worthiness to be entered or excluded from the Pantheon of Sporthood. Calling all events of a competitive nature a sport cheapen both real sports and the non-sports by not recognizing the uniqueness and/or artistry of their events. Shouldn’t we allow for separate classifications that gives different status (possibly elevated status).

It should be noted that we reserve the right to change, edit, and reformulate these rules based on new facts, reasoned argument, and our own personal whims and biases. The first rules are as follows:

1. Sports are inherently athletic pursuits. Coordination should not be mistaken for athleticism. If an event can not elevate one’s heart rate due to physical exertion (such as running) it cannot be considered a sport. This physical exertion does not need to be for extended periods but it must be present.

2. Scoring cannot be subjective. If an event requires a panel of experts or judges to determine scoring and it’s possible for these experts to see the exact same maneuver and score it differently then that event is not a sport.

3. As I have stated before, sports must be athletic. Your equipment should not be more important than the participant. While certain events may be physically demanding, if the equipment is doing most of the work and the equipment’s failure does not allow you to continue then that event is not a sport.

4. A sport should not be able to be played while smoking and/or drinking a beer.



If you search the internet for "Sport or Not" you will certainly find a number of blogs and websites that tackle this very issue. So what makes our take on the subject matter different? First, we will not make non-points like "sports are not (deleted expletive) stupid." Our arguments may not be completely original or even 100% objective but I can guarantee you won't hear one of them on an elementary school playground. Second, we allow for argument and reserve the right to re-evaluate a position if new evidence or a new argument warrant it. If you don't agree with a something we have said, say so. We would love for you make comments.

Batting lead off for examination are Olympic events. Check out the Differ beginning next week when we get a little damp and evaluate aquatic events including diving and synchronized swimming.

Frequently Despised Sports Terms (FDST)

athleticism (adj)- Ambiguously describes a player's quickness, leaping ability or endurance. (Chris Henry's athleticism enabled him to leap three backyard fences in the same time it took the cops to get over one.) Suggested alternatives: none, it simply needs to be eradicated from the vocabulary of all commentators. By definition all athletes have some level of athleticism.

double-double (n)-When a basketball player records double digits in two statistical categories. (Boozer earned a double-double in rebounds and blown defensive assignments last night.) Note: This one probably is only repulsive to anyone who has to listen to local Utah Jazz broadcasts. Let’s put it this way, if there were a drinking game that involved Craig Bolerjack and Ron Boone saying “double-double,” prohibition would no longer be an antiquated idea.

length (adj)- Typically refers to the reach of a basketball player. (Dick Vitale's bruised face learned of Josh Smith’s length first hand.) Suggested alternatives: so-and-so has long arms, etc.

props (n)- Proper recognition; often used with the adjective mad. (I give mad props to the people at Hooters for simultaneously ruining hot wings and breasts.) Suggested alternatives: good job, recognize, etc.

Spygate (n)-That thing where the New England Patriots were caught recording an opposing team’s signals. (Man, I’m sick of all this Spygate crap.) Suggested alternatives: deporting whoever first used the damn term.

upside (adj)- Referring to an undeveloped prospect’s potential abilities. (Unfortunately ESPN’s draft analysis shows have unrealized upside.) Suggested alternatives: so-and-so could be really good, etc.

walk-off (adj)-Game winning last play. (He laid down a walk-off royal flush to win the pot.) Suggested alternatives: game-winning, ____ that won the game.