The Downfall and Recovery of a Sometimes Blog: Part VII

Sometimes things don't work out how you'd like them to. Sometimes life gets in the way of things you enjoy. Sometimes you can't post on a little-read blog because you're stuck between two competing crime syndicates. Sometimes you just make stuff up because the truth is somewhat less interesting. This is my dilemma.

(Read Parts I, II, III, IV, V, and VI.)

The boys delve into the minds of Hollywood think tanks and come up with the best idea for a film since anything by Nicholas Sparks. Of course, there are even more revelatory confessions . . .


June 30, 2010:
Corban: I might be slow.

??

Corban: There are going to be tryouts for USA Team Handball in Sandy.
Josh: Would making the US team handball team be equivalent to making the North Korean football team?
Corban: Or the Haitian curling team.
Josh: That would make a great movie. I'll call it "Cool Rollings."
"Rollings" is a play on words. Get it? Because of the curling and the earthquakes.
Corban: Zing! You showed Haiti.

July 2, 2010:
Corban: Is someone from Ghana a Ghanarean?
Josh: No, that's someone from the San Fernando Valley.

Things are about to get even more contagious . . .

August 25, 2010:
Corban: Sporcle has a quiz, "Name the 200 characters who are mentioned most often in the Harry Potter series."
Josh: That just seems like a waste of time.
Corban: You're just a muggle.
Josh: You're a nerd now? Who knew.
Corban: But Harry Potter is nerd-lite.
Josh: Nerd-lite? Justify much? But seriously, you're a nerd.
Corban: Takes one to know one.
Josh: I'm fully aware of that, Pee Wee.
Corban: If I hear one more person call healthcare reform "Obamacare" I'm going to reach through the phone and punch them.
Josh: Only a nerd would have access to the necessary technology to punch someone through the phone.

I'd bet you never knew that nerditude (?) was contagious. At least it sometimes pays off with the ability to be anonymously aggressive.

August 26, 2010:
Corban: So is Jono playing? Is he going to be at the draft? Did you ever hear from Courtney? How do I know that this isn't really just all a long dream? How do I know if I really exist? Why is the sky blue?
Josh: Ye, no, yes, because I'm awake, I don't know, refraction.

After a time of addiction and organized crime, it appears that someone has truly found enlightenment.

August 27, 2010:
Corban: I hope to have grandchildren alive in 2160.
Josh: At the rate you're going that's not out of the realm of possibility.
Corban: I'm hoping that Nino fathers a child in his 100s.
Josh: That's really every father's dream, isn't it?
Corban: It really is. You'll understand when your kid is born.

(The End.)

The Downfall and Recovery of a Sometimes Blog: Part VI

Sometimes things don't work out how you'd like them to. Sometimes life gets in the way of things you enjoy. Sometimes you can't post on a little-read blog because you're stuck between two competing crime syndicates. Sometimes you just make stuff up because the truth is somewhat less interesting. This is my dilemma.

(Read Parts I, II, III, IV, and V.)

Things are about to get much more subversive. Hide the children (in case you didn't do that as soon as you pulled this page up.)

March 23, 2010:
Josh:  Is sexahol the most addicting substance known to man?
Corban: Nope. Chocohol.
Josh: . . . known to MAN.
Corban: Ah, the qualifier. Then, yes.
Josh: Does one drink it, or shoot it up, or is it some sort of powder?
Corban: All of the above.
Josh: At the same time?
Corban: Only if you're Tiger Woods.
Josh: Oh, so he'd lie on the ground, arms outstretched with mouth agape; then, one of his dealers ("mistresses") would shoot a bazooka of needles, powder, and liquefied sexahol at him from above?
Corban: I see it more like there are many water balloons filled with powder and liquid sexahol. Then they fling it at him with one of those elastic balloon launchers.
Josh: Uh, Corban, those aren't balloons.

What are they then? What?!

April 20, 2010:
Corban:  You know how I was pessimistic about the Jazz's chances? Now I'm optimistic, but I'd look like a huge bandwagoner if I say that publicly. I'm not a bandwagoner. I'm just irrational when it comes to the Jazz.
Josh:  Wasn't the Bandwagoner a 1970's Jeep station wagon?
But seriously, Jazz fans are noted for three things: volume, persecution complexes, and defeatism. So you're not alone.
Corban:  WHAT?! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!! The officials are out to get us! We might as well give up.
Josh: That's what's know as a Jazz-related infarction.
Or a Jazzgasm.
Corban: Careful, this is a family site.
Josh:  I'm just labeling your condition. I'm kind of a scientist.
Corban: English does not count as a science. I'm a "kind of" scientist.
Josh: Well, that's where we differ, I guess.

April 21, 2010:
Corban: Can I bring you some lunch?
Josh: That's okay. You can just owe me a favor.
Corban: You sure? Maybe I don't want to owe you a favor.
Josh: Sorry, them's the breaks.

The transformation into mafioso is almost complete. Never owe a mobster a favor, it's a bad idea.

June 28, 2010:
Corban: I don't need a ride anymore. I rented a helicopter.
Josh: That's one way to avoid traffic I guess.
Corban: I deserve it.

And he's afraid to owe any more favors.

(Part VII: Tomorrow)

The Downfall and Recovery of a Sometimes Blog: Part V

Sometimes things don't work out how you'd like them to. Sometimes life gets in the way of things you enjoy. Sometimes you can't post on a little-read blog because you're stuck between two competing crime syndicates. Sometimes you just make stuff up because the truth is somewhat less interesting. This is my dilemma.

(Read Parts I, II, III, and IV.)

Things stay delusional and somewhat homophobic.


March 23, 2010:
Josh:  Why do I have to work at a place that can't function without me?! I want to be dispensable.
Corban:  You should start working for The Differ. Everyone is dispensable there. Of course, there are no benefits, no sick days and no pay.
Josh:  But, there is a feeling of self-satisfaction.
Corban: Don't forget the view. It's great from the high horse.

But, the fall is brutal.

Josh: I'm going to insist people begin calling me "Captain."
Corban:  I think "Colonel" is more impressive. If you're going to make up a rank, you should go big.
Josh: Who said make up? Self-assigned is not the same as made-up.
Corban:  What are you Captain of?
Josh: Industry.
Corban: Which industry? There are lots of them.
Josh: Yes. It's a lot of work.
Corban:  So, you're just undercover at your current job?
Josh: Something like that. I'm just over all the industries. Just not the gay ones.
Corban: Like steel mills?
Josh: And glitter factories.
Corban: I bet you don't know the real reason Geneva Steel closed. It was too gay for Utah County.
Josh: Wasn't "Too Gay for Utah County" Geneva Steel's slogan?
Corban:  It went over as well as a cross dresser at a church prayer.
Josh: So, this has happened to you? Is it hard to have the eyes of the entire church on you at once?
Corban:  You have no idea.
Wait, what just happened?
Josh: That's our family slogan, "Wait, what just happened?"
Corban: We should put it on our family crest.
Josh: Do you know who the Captain of Gay Industry is?
Corban: John Waters?
Josh: You'd think so, but no. It's Herman "Lady" GaGa.

(Part VI: Tomorrow.)

The Downfall and Recovery of a Sometimes Blog: Part IV

Sometimes things don't work out how you'd like them to. Sometimes life gets in the way of things you enjoy. Sometimes you can't post on a little-read blog because you're stuck between two competing crime syndicates. Sometimes you just make stuff up because the truth is somewhat less interesting. This is my dilemma.

(Read Parts I, II, and III.)

So you've made it this far. This is where your dedication pays off. Everything kind of goes off the rails here. By the way, what are the symptoms of rabies?


March 23, 2010
Corban: So how do you feel now that we're in a totalitarian country?
Josh:  Sick, just sick.
Corban: Well, you can go to the doctor now.
Josh:  No, that's just what the doctor said to me this morning, "You're sick." I blame my illness and my doctor's inexactness on the Commies.
Corban:  It's a slippery slope from providing health care to children and the poor to Barack Stalin.
Josh:  Who's going to make me pay? The government? What is this, China?
Corban:  China owns most of our roads. So, maybe.
Josh:  Do they own the sidewalks?
Corban: Probably not. Just stay on the sidewalks, you'll be fine. But, I don't think you'll get healthcare on the sidewalks.
Josh:  I don't need healthcare while driving my Peterbilt on the sidewalks. Or, is it called Troybilt?
Corban:  I think it's pronounced "John Deere."
Josh:  Google confirmed that Peterbilt makes big rigs and Troybilt makes lawncare tools. Who would drive their lawnmower on the sidewalk when they've got a big-ass big rig? Lawnmowers are for mowing grass not people.
Corban:  I guess you haven't read all the amendments to the healthcare bill.
Josh:  The only healtcare I need is called The Rapture.
Corban: You've been talking to the fundamentalists again, haven't you?
Josh:  I wouldn't call it talking.
Corban: Being yelled at?
Josh:  Do you know the sound of a steamroller going over a mound of badgers?
Corban: Funny you should ask.
That's it. I thought it was funny you would ask that question.
Josh:  I have another one then. Can licking a store-display iPhone give you rabies? Or did I get it from the soap-eating raccoon?
Corban:  The the display iPhone would do it.
Josh:  I blame Joe Biden.
Corban:  Have you seen those apple-obsessed people? Pretty sure they have rabies.
Josh:  Rabies is a made-up disease, like socialism and throat cancer.
Since I'm nearly a doctor, do you think I could diagnose Glenn Beck with dementia and have him institutionalized?
Corban:  He's got his own doctors. They bleed people like they did in the 18th Century.
Josh:  That's why his face has that "just-leeched" look?
Corban:  It's a trade secret to make you appear more conservative.
Josh:  And what make one look more liberal?
Peyote? Birkenstocks? A Subaru? A "I'm not gay but my boyfriend is" bumper sticker?
Corban: A Massachusetts driver's license, or Norah Jones tickets.
Josh: Organic leeches?
Corban: Organic leeches are in season right now.
Josh: Organic stickers are always in season. Organic Stickers would be a good restaurant name.
Corban: I'm getting hungry.

Is unexplained hunger a symptom?

Josh: Let's not be defined by definitions.
Corban:  Wow, that's deep.
Josh: I'm on a lot of mind-altering Robitussin. And I'm pretty sure "Ricola" is Swiss for "LSD."

At least there's an excuse for the obviously delusional behavior.

(Prepare yourselves for two people knee deep in addiction, organized crime, not-quite-Hollywood delusion, Guru Josh and finally some peace and self-actualization in the coming week. Part V coming Monday.)

The Downfall and Recovery of a Sometimes Blog: Part III

Sometimes things don't work out how you'd like them to. Sometimes life gets in the way of things you enjoy. Sometimes you can't post on a little-read blog because you're stuck between two competing crime syndicates. Sometimes you just make stuff up because the truth is somewhat less interesting. This is my dilemma.

(Read Part I and Part II.)

Things get paranoid . . .


March 19, 2010:
Corban:  When do you get home from work?
Josh:  I'm home sick today.
Corban:  Alright, I'll stop by around 5:30. Should I wear a mask?
Josh:  I'm in a bubble.
Corban: Soap or plastic?
Josh: Aluminum foil.
Corban: Ah, smart. That will protect your thoughts from the MLB mind-control satellites.
Josh: It's not MLB-grade foil. I'm not made of money.
Corban:  You really can't afford to stay with non-MLB-grade foil. Next thing you know, you'll be buying Royals season tickets.
Josh: Now, those would make for some cheap bubble material.

(This post was kept short in order to let the craziness soak in. Part IV: Tomorrow.)