Beg the Differ Shorts

These are stunted debates and conversations between yours truly and the Corbster. The reasons for not finishing vary from Gmail outages to brain outages, but regardless we will post them. Why? Because we can.

"I've tried to find it here in the states, but they just can't get the spices right"-
Corban:

Check this out: McCain immediately shot back that the surge in Iraq had worked. He said he knows "how to win wars." Like Vietnam? Who won that one? It must have been John McCain.

me: He won it from the inside.

Corban: Is he a veteran of Grenada?

5 minutes

me: Did they have POW's in Grenada?

That would've been awesome for him if they did.
Robots are Dangerous-

me: In case you wanted to know, www.thediffer.com now also redirects to the blog. So, at least things are now simpler.

Corban: ok

Now we just need some traffic.

me: Yep, but now it will be easy to tell people where to go.

Corban: I'm already trying to get people there.

It might be better if I ever decide to post something.

I'm like Bill Simmons. One post every two or so weeks.

I just skipped the part where I posted 20,000 word articles before resting on my laurels.

me: Also, you skipped the part where you have thousands of loyal readers willing to wait weeks.

I just posted a poll asking who won the first "Beg the Differ."

42 minutes

me: Okay, I also added two new terms to FDST, length and upside.

Corban: I was able to look at the sit at someone else's computer.

He voted for the Cheeteagle

me: Damn him.

Corban: How are we expected to compete against a Cheeteagle?

me: I don't make the rules.

Unholy animal hybrids do.

Are you going to argue with a cat of prey?

I'm pretty sure the cheeteagle has time-travel capabilities.

I think I'm going to name the cheeteagle Stella.

You know, "Stella! Stella!"

Corban: STEEEELLLLLAAAA!!!

me: Yup.

Corban: I prefer Madge.

me: Madge?

We just got our first comment. Was it you?

Corban: Nope. I don't have access.

me: Bastard.

Corban: Can you see the blog at your work?

me: Yeah.

I'm just blocked from streaming video and porn.

Not that I've missed either.

Also, if you want me to post anything for you while we're at work, you just have to give me your log-in info. That way you can get a byline on there.

Corban: Ok

Was it one of the brothers who commented?

me: Whoever posted has themselves listed as a female in their profile.

It could be a spambot.

Corban: What does the comment say?

me: "Very good..."

I might reply, "very insightful." But it's probably best to not antagonize this early, even if it is a robot.

The Oden Paradox-

Corban: The Jazz just matched OKC's offer for Miles

Do you think they are only picking him up to turn around and trade him?

5 minutes

me: I heard they were planning on doing a Kevin Durant for C.J. swap.

Although, I might have heard that in a dream.

Yup. . . it was a dream.

Corban: But CJ has so much length and upside.

me: But, honestly I don't know who the Jazz could get for an unproven prospect with buckets of athleticism (that's the other term I want to put up).

Corban: Greg Oden.

CJ has better career numbers than him in every statistical category.

And the salaries match.

me: Then on paper, that looks like a fantastic deal for both sides.

Oden could teach the youngsters on the Jazz a thing or two about how the game used to be played.

Corban: We would actually get older by getting younger.

me: I know. But that sounds like some sort of universe-ending paradox. So, maybe Oden wouldn't be a great idea.

Brett Favre is not a Horse-

me: Are you going to post your article today?

25 minutes

Corban: I've been trying to post it from work but it's not working so I'll have to do it tonight.

me: Okay.

Corban: We could do a beg the differ about Brett Favre.

Unless you think it's like beating a dead horse.

me: I would hardly call Favre a horse.

Corban: We could do it about why we should or shouldn't care about the whole riggamarole.

me: Or: Favre, Douche or Great American Hero?

Corban: Yeah, something along those lines.

We may want to come up with something other than douche, however.

me: I know, I hate that word. But, I keep using it!

How about vagina cleaner?

Corban: Uh.....

me: What? Are you judging me?

Corban: No, but Jesus is.

me: How did a useful tool for slutty women become a term for jackasses?

Corban: Anyway...

me: I think that anyone who sells Wrangler jeans is a Great American Hero.

Says me as I watch Junior race around the track while listening to George Strait.

Corban: Doesn't Favre

endorse Wrangler

?

me: That's right.

Corban: So he is a Great American Hero?

I'm going to make questions by adding question marks at the end of statements?

me: Yes, he's a Great American Hero (Great American Hero is a trademark of Wrangler Jeans).

He embodies the cliched American spirit. Last year he had a stellar year, leading his team further than anyone could have predicted. He was expected to be D.O.A. last year, but turned in one of his best years. That's America.

Corban: What about the part where he ended his team's season with the worst possible throw at the worst possible time. I mean it looked like he through it right to the Giants.

It's almost as if he forgot what color his team was wearing.

me: See, here's where I think we are confusing what a Great American Hero is. 50 years ago one had to be a flawless vision of patriotism and selfless bravery, at least publicly. Now, as evidenced by the superheroes that are finding success in the boxoffice, we appreciate a person that is bold and brave, but imperfect. Anyone that is portrayed as perfect is derided and doubted in our increasingly cynical world. Favre fits that. He is not perfect but he at times performs at superhuman levels.

Favre is not the perfect football player, just the Great American Hero.

Your Girlfriend is A Lesbian-

me: Sorry, I just realized I missed a call from you last night. I left my phone in the car.

And my supersonic hearing has yet to kick in.

The doctors said that it could take 4- 6 weeks after the surgery.

Corban: It's ok.

I just wanted to know if we had found someone to take over for Casey in Fantasy Football.

I also wanted to see if you wanted to go golfing but I don't know if I can go now.

me: We don't have a replacement yet for Casey. Did you have someone in mind?

10 minutes

Corban: Not really but I bet I can find someone.

me: So, I've got a temporary banner for the website that I'll put up today.

It's not great, but it will look better than the plain Jane banner we have now.

Corban: Unrelated question: Am I a lesbian if I like Sarah McLachlan?

me: No, but your girlfriend is.

And that sounds like something you should be telling your mental-health professional, not me.

Cantonese is Angry Mandarin- me: So, did you hear what Boozer's Chinese nickname is?

Corban: Nope.

me: It's Fan Gu Zai, which translates to, no joke, Betrayal Skull Dude.

Corban: Where did you read that?

me: The Cleveland Plain Dealer, through Deadspin.

Supposedly it has something to do with his misshapen head, not his misshapen moral compass.

Corban: What is Mandarin for "I talk big about how defense is important but I still let China's back up point guard waltz through the lane without so much as taking a step in his path much less attempt to get in front of him and try to block his shot?"

Whatever the translation is for that I'd like to make that his nickname in Mandarin.

Cantonese would be fine as well.

me: I don't know the Mandarin words, but I know that their loose translation is "Man who does not make stop on enemy's fiery dart of balled-basket threat."

Corban: Is that Mandarin or Cantonese?

me: Mandarin

Cantonese is the same, just angrier.

My Dad's the Coach- me: Why are fantasy sports so popular?

Corban: It makes us feel like professional athletes.

me: No, I don't think that is really it. For most of us.

Corban: It makes us feel like GMs?

me: I think that's closer.

Maybe it corresponds to the sports radio phenomena. That every schmo thinks that he has the ability to manage a franchise.

Corban: Are you calling me a schmo?

me: You are if you call in.

Uh, yeah, DJ, I really have to wonder if Sloan even knows what he is doing, why would you keep Boozer in when he is obviously outmatched by Carl Landry? I think that the Jazz should switch to a man-to-man 3-4 defense and rotate the center off the opening block to really help pound it out down low.

Corban: I heard that call the other day.

me: I know. What's worse is that it was Scott Layden.

There was also something about Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley that I couldn't make out.

Corban: Umm...my dad used to be the coach here and I'm through ruining one of the premier franchises in the league...can I get a job? I'll take anything, I'll even be the guy who charts shots.

Pantheon of Sport: Falling with Style

It's time to examine another Olympic event for inclusion in the Pantheon of Sport: diving. Let's begin with the athleticism required for diving. Just looking at the sculpted physiques of Olympic divers is evidence of their strength. Who doesn't love women in bathing suits and/or memn in Speedos? They have balance and body control in heaps. So far, so good. Diving is looking like a strong candidate for membership in the upper reaches of the Pantheon.

Alas, there is one criterion that diving falls (pun intended) short in: scoring. Scoring is completely subjective, sometimes embarrassingly so. I decided to do some research before making my arguments about diving and caught some of the synchronized (giggling) diving competition. One American pair completed what seemed to be a perfectly synchronized (giggling) dive. The dive was graceful and artistic. One would assume that a panel of experts would all rate the dive in small range of scores. One would be mistaken. Scores for this particular dive ranged from 7.5 to 9.5. I openly confess to my ignorance of judging dives but when there is a discrepency that large from judges who are experts it makes you wonder what the thought process is. "That was a pretty good dive but it looks like his Speedo is creeping a little bit. I think that I'll deduct half a point."

So, diving will not be included in the Pantheon of Sport but is classified from here on out and for all eternity (or until we change our minds, whichever comes first) as a (very) Athletic Performance.

Beg The Differ: Ethnic Cleansing Edition

Ed Note: First off, I apologize for needing to excuse our poor debating "skills." This is not a debate. This is a conversation between two people who should be more medicated. So, if you know a good mental health specialist, who treats schizophrenia, please pass along his or her information. Thank you and be careful.


Corban: Do we have enough players tonight?

me: I think so.

Corban: okAny ideas on who's catching?

me: Nope.

Corban: Do you know anything?

me: I know that it's harder than it looks to replace an eyeball.

Corban: (giggling)

You can't just pop it back in?

Suprising.

me: Do you know what is more surprising?

Corban: That I forgot how to spell surprising?

me: Nope, having your eye pop out.

Corban: It happens.

me: Let me tell you something. If someone tells you to close your mouth, pinch your nose and blow really hard, don't.

Corban: Sound advice.

I heard that if you don't close your eyes when you sneeze you can blow an eyeball out as well.

me: Strangely enough, that is actually where hernias come from.

Corban: There isn't a hernia gremlin that delivers them in the night to naughty kids?

Mom lied.

me: She never told me that one.

Oh yeah, it's because she liked me.

Corban: My mother-in-law used to tell her children that if they weren't good that gypsies would come and steal them.

And not the cool gypsies like in the Disney version of Pinocchio.

More like the evil gypsies from the Italian subways.

me: Is that a sandwich choice at Italian Subways? Evil gypsies?

Corban: Yeah, it's on their secret menu.

It's basically a Spicy Italian with Ex-Lax.

me: So, the sandwich lures you in with flash and spice, then steals your dignity?

12 minutes

Corban: If you really like the Gypsy @ Subway I suggest you also get two of the Immodium/white chocolate chip cookies.

You can get them in the meal deal.

5 minutes

me: That's one hell of a meal deal.

It's called the Ethnic Cleanser Meal.

Pantheon of Sport: Organized Limb Flailing

Ed note: The principal arguments of the Pantheon are not personal attacks on the competitors. These articles are really just an argument over semantics. We feel that the term “sport” has been bastardized and we hope to help refine it.

This is the first in what should be a multi-part series dissecting various Olympic events’ claims for inclusion in the Pantheon of Sport. We’ll start off with perhaps the easiest, synchronized swimming.

For the first few years of its existence, synchronized swimming was known as “water ballet.” While Baryshnikov is a prime specimen of power, grace, and agility, one would strain to define ballet as sport, right? If you were to put a ball in his hands I suspect that he would look a lot like that kid in junior high gym class who spent more time facing his computer screen than a backboard. (I know what that looks like because there exists evidence of my attempts at basketball.) So, how is it that a submerged artistic performance ever became known as a sport?

Okay, here’s a quick aside. It appears to be a stretch to think that many people, if anyone, actually considers synchronized swimming to be a sport. In fact, the IOC website only refers to the event as a sport once.

First, according to the rules set forth in the intro Pantheon article, “Scoring cannot be subjective.” Subjective scoring is the only form of scoring existent in this event. The judges not only award points based on difficulty of maneuvers or on the synchronicity of teammates, they also indirectly take into account costume and makeup. So, the more creative the costume (not uniform, costume) the more favorably the judges will score. When would that happen in any legitimate sport?

Second, the name doesn’t completely fit the performance. How can there be solo synchronized swimming? Is the performer synchronized with the voices in her head? It could be said that she is synchronized with the music, but that is hard to prove. So, not only do I propose this event’s exclusion from the Pantheon of Sport, I also propose a name change: Organized Limb Flailing.

Finally, when was dancing in unison considered a sport? If it were Iron Maiden would be considered legends in the sport.

I would go on about Organized Limb Flailing’s exclusion from the Pantheon, but I’m getting bored with this event. So the verdict is: Synchronized Swimming is NOT a sport. Take us out Sting: