Pantheon of Sport

We, here at the Differ (Differers, if you will), have noticed a disturbing trend of certain events being labeled sports, when clearly they are not. We don’t need to list these events in this posting, but we do propose an ever-evolving list of rules that would disqualify an event from being shown on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPNEWS, Fox Sports Net, the Big 12 Network or the MTN (mad props to the half a dozen people who know what the MTN is).

In the future we will examine sports individually to determine it’s worthiness to be entered or excluded from the Pantheon of Sporthood. Calling all events of a competitive nature a sport cheapen both real sports and the non-sports by not recognizing the uniqueness and/or artistry of their events. Shouldn’t we allow for separate classifications that gives different status (possibly elevated status).

It should be noted that we reserve the right to change, edit, and reformulate these rules based on new facts, reasoned argument, and our own personal whims and biases. The first rules are as follows:

1. Sports are inherently athletic pursuits. Coordination should not be mistaken for athleticism. If an event can not elevate one’s heart rate due to physical exertion (such as running) it cannot be considered a sport. This physical exertion does not need to be for extended periods but it must be present.

2. Scoring cannot be subjective. If an event requires a panel of experts or judges to determine scoring and it’s possible for these experts to see the exact same maneuver and score it differently then that event is not a sport.

3. As I have stated before, sports must be athletic. Your equipment should not be more important than the participant. While certain events may be physically demanding, if the equipment is doing most of the work and the equipment’s failure does not allow you to continue then that event is not a sport.

4. A sport should not be able to be played while smoking and/or drinking a beer.



If you search the internet for "Sport or Not" you will certainly find a number of blogs and websites that tackle this very issue. So what makes our take on the subject matter different? First, we will not make non-points like "sports are not (deleted expletive) stupid." Our arguments may not be completely original or even 100% objective but I can guarantee you won't hear one of them on an elementary school playground. Second, we allow for argument and reserve the right to re-evaluate a position if new evidence or a new argument warrant it. If you don't agree with a something we have said, say so. We would love for you make comments.

Batting lead off for examination are Olympic events. Check out the Differ beginning next week when we get a little damp and evaluate aquatic events including diving and synchronized swimming.

Frequently Despised Sports Terms (FDST)

athleticism (adj)- Ambiguously describes a player's quickness, leaping ability or endurance. (Chris Henry's athleticism enabled him to leap three backyard fences in the same time it took the cops to get over one.) Suggested alternatives: none, it simply needs to be eradicated from the vocabulary of all commentators. By definition all athletes have some level of athleticism.

double-double (n)-When a basketball player records double digits in two statistical categories. (Boozer earned a double-double in rebounds and blown defensive assignments last night.) Note: This one probably is only repulsive to anyone who has to listen to local Utah Jazz broadcasts. Let’s put it this way, if there were a drinking game that involved Craig Bolerjack and Ron Boone saying “double-double,” prohibition would no longer be an antiquated idea.

length (adj)- Typically refers to the reach of a basketball player. (Dick Vitale's bruised face learned of Josh Smith’s length first hand.) Suggested alternatives: so-and-so has long arms, etc.

props (n)- Proper recognition; often used with the adjective mad. (I give mad props to the people at Hooters for simultaneously ruining hot wings and breasts.) Suggested alternatives: good job, recognize, etc.

Spygate (n)-That thing where the New England Patriots were caught recording an opposing team’s signals. (Man, I’m sick of all this Spygate crap.) Suggested alternatives: deporting whoever first used the damn term.

upside (adj)- Referring to an undeveloped prospect’s potential abilities. (Unfortunately ESPN’s draft analysis shows have unrealized upside.) Suggested alternatives: so-and-so could be really good, etc.

walk-off (adj)-Game winning last play. (He laid down a walk-off royal flush to win the pot.) Suggested alternatives: game-winning, ____ that won the game.

Beg the Differ: Round 1?

I know that you’re just getting to know us, so I preemptively apologize for the following introduction to the “Beg the Differ” feature. On Monday I suggested to the Corbster that we argue whether the press’ treatment of former coke-fiend Josh Hamilton is fair or unfair. Corban, in his eternal self-hatred, decided to take the bad cop on this one and argue that Hamilton’s former addiction should not be glossed over. I was going to take the side that the league was taking the high road and showing that one can overcome addiction. It didn’t quite work out that way. I don’t know if it was the bag of twin-pops popsicle I had consumed the night before or the 3,000 words I had due for school, but yesterday I couldn’t have argued my point, even if I plagiarized it. So, this is what the debate boiled down to, and I apologize:

Corban: So our company hired this guy 10 years ago. He had all kinds of qualifications and we thought that he would be a great asset to the company. Instead he stopped showing up for work. We found out that he was using drugs, including heroin. We eventually just had to let him go.

me: Random? Or am I missing something? (I was missing something.)

Corban: Apparently he has now cleaned up and gone sober. Another company rehired him. All they have to say about him is good things and what an inspiration he is.

Nothing is ever said about the cost to our company, the hurt he caused those that trusted him and gave him a shot.

Is that right, that we just gloss over the negative?

Whenever we use the qualifier cautious to describe our optimism about him we are seen as pessimists.

Once an addict, always an addict. Isn't that what they teach in AA? Shouldn't he be subject to closer scrutiny?

mem

(2.5 Hours Later) me: Sorry, my brain is fried today. I've tried to come up with an intelligent and well-thought out retort, but I can't.

Corban: Ok.

me: I paid for the domain for thediffer.com today, so you owe me $5. I'm still trying to work out the kinks so that blogspot is connected to the address, though. It looks like it will take a few days.

Corban: I owe you nothing.

You owe me $5.

me: What just happened?

Corban: I could have easily taken your life when you were an infant but instead I made you promise that you would pay me $10 when I was 28. Since you paid my portion for the domain you now only owe me $5.

me: I don't take responsibility for anything said under torture, just like old man McCain.

Corban: It wasn't torture; it was racketeering.

You know, like protection money.

me: Racketeering? Like Pete Sampras?

Corban: No, like Don Corleone.

Me: The time to make the donuts guy?

Corban: No, Dr. Moreau

Me: Oh, so you're the fat guy who makes freaky animal hybrids.

I want to be a cheeteagle.

I would pay $5 for that.

After All It's Just A Game

(Ed. Note: The following article uses numerous terms that make us at The Differ evacuate our bowels. Please forgive their use and refer to Frequently Despised Sports Terms to determine which ones made us change our britches.)

The Differ is different (clever, no?). Here we look at the sports world’s consensus and conventions and argue the opposite. Many times this will seem like a case of being contrary simply to be contrary. It’s not. The truth is the consensus is frequently right. We are contrary to help open a discussion. Usually more than one side to every story exists. We will attempt to show as many sides as we find interesting. Most times, we will not even agree amongst ourselves.

Blogs exist primarily to fan the flames of popularity and pack mentality. This fanning creates hysteria (see “Spygate”) and closed-mindedness (see John Amaechi). Blogs teach us to forget about having an opinion different than the Internet because you will be ridiculed, no matter how strong your case is.

Our goal at The Differ is to escape the mob mentality of the blogosphere. This is not being negative just to be negative. This is being negative to provide a well-reasoned opposing point-of-view. You don’t see the difference there? Okay, we’ll show you, probably.

Here are a few rules that we vow to follow. However we, like Kobe, cannot be expected to follow all of our rules:

-The Differ will not hero-worship. Athletes are just that, athletes. They are not role models, they are not superhuman, we should not expect more from them than we expect from everyone else.
-The Differ will not “gossip-ify” athletes. Athlete gossip is just an extension of hero worship. We commoners simply want to see that our heroes are just like us, right? Or we want to bring them down to our level, right?
-The Differ will, however, show that in sports nothing is sacred. They are, after all, just games.
-The Differ will acknowledge the value and reality of the emotion and bias of fans.
-The Differ will avoid YELLING our arguments.
-Personal attacks will be off-limits at The Differ, unless the attacked has an opportunity to counter.
-Once a point is proven, The Differ will not beat a dead horse. The horse will simply be buried under the racetrack.
-The Differ will always wonder if John Amaechi is still relevant.
-The Differ is a fan of open, well-reasoned discussion. If you don’t agree with us, great, argue your point.

Here are a few features to expect from us soon:
-“Pantheon of Sport” where we will help Webster’s properly define sport.
-“Beg the Differ” where we will show that we can’t even agree amongst ourselves.
-“Frequently Despised Sports Terms” less a feature column and more a reference tool for expressing our disgust (we do that a lot here) for overused terms.