You're Doing It Wrong: 7 Rules for Avoiding Being a Slow Pitch Softball Tool

Dear Diary,
I'm not sure if the "No Crying in Baseball" rule transfers to slow pitch softball, but if it does I just broke it. 21-0, the scoreboard was laughing at me. I felt used. I felt hurt. And I can't feel my knees from playing catcher. . .

. . . Of course I'm kidding about the crying thing, but I am sick of playing softball teams full of too serious players more concerned about reliving (or living) past athletic glory than having fun in city-run, non-competive slow pitch league. I'm not talking about the competitive leagues out there because the style of play is right there in the description; I'm just talking about the low-key, beer league type games.

Just to establish my authority here: I'm an overweight, underathletic bookworm whose on-field impotence makes little girls giggle. Therefore, I'm the perfect observer. Just like in almost every other sport, the best coaches, the X's and O's guys, are rarely the best players. So, I assume that because I'm not one of the best players (read: my only hit in my first year of little league in first grade was called off because I threw the bat) my qualifications speak for themselves.

Now that my credentials are well established, on to the rules:

Rule #1: Full uniforms (by that I mean matching jerseys and pants) make you look douchey.
Slow pitch exists to give the workaday guys a night off. We just want to unwind with some casual play and snarky comments on everyone's casual play. If you show up looking like the Yankees from The Bad News Bears you lose. You may score 21 runs more than the other team, but you lose.

Addendum to Rule #1: The only acceptable matching attire are t-shirt style jerseys (short or three-quarter sleeves). Button up jerseys mean you're trying way too hard. Baseball pants say the same thing. Under no circumstances is it okay to cut off the sleeves of your jersey or wear a sleeveless jersey. Jeans are not acceptable. Take out your hoop and/or horseshoe earrings. If you have gauged ears, leave your disks in. No one wants to see you nasty, droopy lobes. And last but not least, the following numbers must never be worn (they are not cool, funny, or clever): 69, any fraction, triple digit numbers, and pi.

Rule #2: Walks are for girls.
The only time its okay to walk in slow pitch is if your only two options are to strike out or take a walk. It's okay to take a ball, at the beginning of the count (you do want to hit it after all), but if a ball's hittable later in the at bat, swing. No excuses. Now, if you are up by double digits and are still walking on close pitches, you should hold your head high because you just hit the high point in your petty life by getting to first for free.

Addendum to Rule #2: It is inappropriate for the third base coach to tell a batter to "wait for your pitch." In slow pitch softball "your pitch" is any pitch that you can reach without lunging.

Rule #3: If you can't laugh at your or your teammate's ineptitude, get a psychiatrist.

Do not base any of your self-esteem on softball performance, good or bad. Being an excellent softball player is equivalent to being great at Monopoly or Trivial pursuit: it's a small temporary boost to your ego, but as soon as the game is back in the box that pride has passed (or should have). Conversely, who cares if you're no good at board games?

Addendum to Rule #3: Always acknowledge an opposing player's hustle. And if you opponent acknowledge's your hustle you should not stare him down like Ivan Drago. Thank him for the recognition of your obvious effort (because you probably look like you can't breathe).

Rule #4: Do not argue in any way with the umpire.
Umpires in most leagues get paid crap. His job is to make things as fair as possible, nothing more. If he's inconsistent with strike calls, or plays in the infield, what does it matter? It's okay to speak civilly with the man to clarify one of his calls, but you should never argue with him. Generally, if you're nice to the ump, he will be nice (and relatively consistent) with you and your team.
There is one exception to this rule: if the umpire's ineptitude risks the safety of your team members. A few seasons ago my co-editor was advancing to third on a ball hit into shallow left when just before he reached the bag he was struck in the back of the head by the ball just thrown by the rover. He then crawled to the base before being tagged. He should have been called safe, given a bag of ice for the lump and forgotten about it, right? No, because the ump called him out. He later explained that he was out for interfering with the play. Because of his obvious misinterpretation of the interference rule risked the safety of my teammates, we complained to him, then when we realized our arguments fell on dumb ears, we complained to the league's administrators. (They said that he was already going to be fired after his contract expired because of similar stupidity.)

Addendum to Rule #4: Do not make comments to the umpire in the fifth inning about a call made in the second. For example, last night we actually made a decent play in the field where we were able to force a runner out at second after a single to right. The runner thought that he was safe and made a comment to that effect. Later in the game he was involved in another somewhat close play at third. His headfirst slide into third beat the throw and he was correctly called safe. He then made a comment to the umpire to the effect of "was I safe this time?" It sounded even more obnoxious in person than it does now.

Addendum to the addendum to Rule #4: Do not slide. It's slow pitch softball. The winner gets a t-shirt. This cannot be stressed enough: Never, ever slide headfirst. It's not the World Series, it's not even a little league game. If the throw beats you, resign yourself to being out. That's just how it works.

Rule #5: It's as much about the way you win as it is the way you lose.
With any time under your belt of sports fandom, you know exactly what a sore loser is. (Think of the followers of Latin American soccer teams.) Sore winners are equally hard to deal with. Do not stand, laughing, to cheer every run when you are up by more than ten. Do not stop with the smart alecky comments just because you're down by ten. Shake hands afterwards, no matter the outcome (sure, it's a little little-leaguey, but so what?). The way you win or lose will determine the type of relationship you have with the other teams-the better the relationship, the more fun we all have.

Addendum to Rule #5: If you are up by 15 or more runs, do not say "let's get some runs here" or "we need this one." Once you have reached the level where the mercy rule will come into effect the only acceptable things to say to an offensive player are "good job" and "nice hustle."

Rule #6: Friendly banter is required, but if it is not returned say nothing to the opposing team.
The problem with this rule is that if the other team doesn't respond to your playful cues (I am looking at you, team with full matching uniforms), you're all alone. However, even if that's the case, banter among teammates is just as important. The best thing about inter-team banter is that you can be much more bitingly and insultingly witty, because you should already be friends with those guys.

Addendum to Rule #6: Avoid the profanity. Usually these types of leagues are played at a park with families around. Nothing says uneducated like the f-bomb.

Rule #7: Don't rub it in. This rule is open to interpretation as to what constitutes rubbing it in. Here is my interpretation: If the team that you are beating by 15+ runs hits a routine fly to the outfield and the infielders then throw the ball around the horn before returning it to the pitcher, you are rubbing it in.

I've suffered many demoralizing defeats like last night's game, and I've given a few, but if your team can leave the game, heads tossed back in laughter, you are playing it right. We played it right last night.

Really Posted by: Josh and Corban